There... at last ive said it all....
Typical day today... i get up tired and fuzzy headed. I go into my girly and she smiles that gorgeous smile and my heart melts. I want to hug her forever! She is so beautiful and funny - doesnt deserve a 'broken' mummy....
We get dressed and i take her to nursery. We sing in the car, she giggles and i KNOW that i am truly alive... the sound is music to my ears.
I take her in, she kisses me and holds on tight and i let her go. My heart aches, it hurts, i have to leave this gorgeous child. Its just all so amplified - surely it shouldnt hurt this much??!!
I stumble to work with a foggy brain and a heavy heart. I enter the place that distresses me so much knowing that i have to be there. The old me, pre child, would just get on with it, rally round, pull myself together but the new me can't. The new me has a piece missing.... isnt whole.
I count the hours until we are reunited, i skip out of work, i run to the train, my heart beats i smile - i get to see my girlie soon. The joy and relief i feel when i see her, she hugs me, kisses me, loves me, im alive...
And so she is in bed and here i am. Back with the black dog snapping at my heels. Off for another night of no sleep, of anxiety...
IT WILL GET BETTER... for her sake
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