standing still

*sigh* why did no-one warn me how self encompassing, rewarding, gut wrenching and wonderful becoming a mummy can be. My gorgeous daughter is growing so fast and i find myself constantly wracking my brains trying to find a way to be able to spend a day a week with her.

I feel like i have let her and am letting her down. This is not how i wanted it to be, how i imagined it to be. It cuts through me and pierces my heart everytime i leave her in the morning... she now cries when  i leave her at nursery and i feel my shoulders sag and my stomach lurches. It makes no odds that 5 mins later she is 'fine'..

I spend my day staring at her picture, i sprint to the train giddy with excitement at picking up my girlie.

It just wasnt meant to be this way ;-(

Reflecting..

I had such a lovely day yesterday. Aine and i met some mummies and babies from our tuesday afternoon post natal group. This time last year we were all new mummies! We sat in the park and talked and marvelled at how our babies have grown and what they do to make us laugh (and what we do to them!). It was so lovely.... for the first time in 16 months i feel at ease and happy..... i wont do on tuesday when im back at work!
Being with my girlie is hard, no doubt, but we spent some lovely time together yesterday. Its apparant  that a;; of us are finding it easier - we all look so much more relaxed LOL.

Good days :-)

It is hard seeing other mummies trying and succeeding to conceive their 2nd... very hard but i am pleased for the,....

A sunny day in paradise...

Havent posted for a while... in all honesty i am doing better which is good. Still have my down days but im getting through them. Next medication review 18/7...

I am off with my girlie today. God she is gorgeous! I stare at her picture all the time im not with her. It makes me smile and it makes me happy. Having her in my life is amazing - and very challenging and stressful!

Off out with some other mummies today, some mutual support!

Another day....

Do you know what im sick of feeling crap and whinging... i really feel fed up by it all Grrr.... i feel like i need to 'pull myself together' but i just cant.... It frustrates me that i cant just snap out of things.

Today im thinking about friends. i have acquired many new ones from having Aine. The local mums, our 'tuesday afternoon club', people on the BE forum who have now become my facebook friends. All our kids were born in March and we have shared the good and bad times together. Some people think its weird baring your soul to a stranger, someone that only exists in a virtual world (until we all meet up soon!) but these ladies have been my lifeline. So many experiences similar to mine, the support they give is remarkable even when dealing with their own issues and problems - surely that is a mark of a true friend?

My OH told his friend yesterday about my PND. I was surprised at his reaction. His wife had it but he made her throw her meds away.... and i have to want to get better! I do know what he's saying... trust me i do want to get better this is not fun!

My soul laid bare

There... at last ive said it all....

Typical day today... i get up tired and fuzzy headed. I go into my girly and she smiles that gorgeous smile and my heart melts. I want to hug her forever! She is so beautiful and funny - doesnt deserve a 'broken' mummy....

We get dressed and i take her to nursery. We sing in the car, she giggles and i KNOW that i am truly alive... the sound is music to my ears.

I take her in, she kisses me and holds on tight and i let her go. My heart aches, it hurts, i have to leave this gorgeous child. Its just all so amplified - surely it shouldnt hurt this much??!!

I stumble to work with a foggy brain and a heavy heart. I enter the place that distresses me so much knowing that i have to be there. The old me, pre child, would just get on with it, rally round, pull myself together but the new me can't. The new me has a piece missing.... isnt whole.

I count the hours until we are reunited, i skip out of work, i run to the train, my heart beats i smile - i get to see my girlie soon. The joy and relief i feel when i see her, she hugs me, kisses me, loves me, im alive...

And so she is in bed and here i am. Back with the black dog snapping at my heels. Off for another night of no sleep, of anxiety...

IT WILL GET BETTER... for her sake

Beginning... at the beginning.

Diary of a PND abductee….

About 15 months ago the most amazing, life changing wonderful thing happened, I had my darling baby girl. Unfortunately this co-incided with the most terrifying and horrific experience I have ever had… childbirth and its aftermath!

I was so determined that I wanted a natural birth. I was scared BUT felt sure that I could get through it. Nothing went to plan and after an emergency c section at 10.54 am on Tuesday 16^th March 2010 my 6lb 8 oz bundle of joy entered the world. Daddy got to hold her first and it took a while before she and I met. I cried, hubby cried we all cried… my gorgeous girl was in the world….

She was very sleepy from the outset (total contrast to now!) and wouldn’t latch to feed. Flat on my back for 24 hours with needles and drips didn’t help… I tried and persevered but still she wouldn’t feed. On Day 3 hubby and I noticed she had a very fast heartbeat – her breathing was fine… they rushed her down to ICU… I carried her there sobbing… into an incubator she went, hooked up, beeping loudly.. it was horrible, just horrible…Having said that, in comparison to the poor souls in there she was just fine.

24 hours she was in there, antibiotics, exams…. They treated her aggressively for infection but the fast heartbeat was still there, no explanation. Each day I hoped we’d get home and each day it was a no…. 15 days in hospital before we broke free with a referral to cardiology.

The hardest part of the whole stay was my attempts to breastfeed her. She just didn’t want to… even at 6 hours old my daughter knew what SHE wanted. Midwives old and new came and went, tried their techniques and refused to give up. I was manhandled, shouted at, pitied all to no avail. I woke every 2 hours and woke my slumbering child (she liked to go 6 hours between feeds!) and attempted a feed once again. A midwife would come and she’d poke and grope and finally mum and daughter and midwife would admit defeat, for another two hours and id feed her with a cup, express and fall back asleep only to do it all again. Her time in ICU meant I had to express, walk down stairs, into ICU, attempt to feed, fail, go back to bed, sleep for an hour and then up again. I was a milking cow… heading for the knackers yard.

I was sad, tired, frustrated, hormonal, defeated, scared…. The nice mid wives reassured me that no I wasn’t mad, it was normal to cry so much and they hugged me and supported me. The not so nice ones told me to pull myself together and get on with it. After 15 days incarceration, reluctantly, they let me out…. I couldn’t wait but I was seriously freaked out in the outside world, it was genuinely scary, home we went.

At home we settled into our new life. My girlie suffered terribly from wind and colic and never slept… 26 mins.. exactly every time ( I kid you not) during the day and a max of 2 hours at night… she cried constantly. Some days I wasn’t sure if id washed / been to the toilet! I found it very very hard going. I hated most of the time I was at home with her. I found it hard to bond with her (That’s hard to admit) and I struggled to get myself up and out to classes. But I did…. Baby massage, baby sensory, swimming, postnatal group, buggy fit…I did it all, determined to make the most if the precious time we had together and to give her the very best of things. Often hubby or I would have to drive round to get her to sleep.. it was horrific! I was so frustrated and I felt cut off from her. She still wouldn’t feed and I was trying every 2 hours. Id been to see specialists and nothing could be done, no-one could explain why she wouldn’t do it but I knew SHE didn’t WANT to…. My feisty girl!

Time passed and sleep deprivation took hold. Cardiologist appointments came and went, comments of anomolies but no definitive conditions emerged. I was still expressing every 3 hours, she was still refusing to feed from me. Still she cried and griped, I tried baby massage, cranial osteopathy (for her!) but nothing worked. I had one scary incident. She was crying and crying and I just screamed at her ‘stop, please stop I cant take any more’ she looked at me and cried, I ran down stairs, shut the kitchen door and poured a shot of vodka – the one and only time I ever did that. I was so tired all of the time. Hubby could sleep through a hurricane so no practical help on hand.

Finally the time to return to work loomed. I was relieved, normality at last but also ashamed, how could I want to leave my girl? Still she wouldn’t sleep and neither myself or my hubby could function on the amount of sleep we were able to get. We hired a sleep nurse, flippin expensive but so worth it. 2 days, sorted. The controlled crying was a horrific experience though….. I was so sad and so guilty but I knew that my stubborn little madam was unhappy and cross, not hurt.

Off I went back to work….. Lo had 2 settling in sessions (an hour each) and then cold turkey! My fragile, gorgeous, beautiful 8 month old was alone in the big wide world. I felt useless and a failure. She was just so so young to be alone in the big wide world…and there was nothing I could do about it. I HAD and HAVE to work. I sat in reception and cried. The minutes ticked by, the longest hour of my life, the manager came in and said she was a little upset, would I like to see her. I said no (hard cruel horrible mummy) but I thought well tomorrow I wont be here. It was one of the hardest things ive ever done… But she survived and she adores it and that makes me so very happy.

So back to work, being separated from my baby, the one I had positive and negative feelings about, the one I felt id let down because I couldn’t feed her and id abandoned her. My body was getting some sleep and it revolted… 40 plus mouth ulcers that stayed with me til Jan! Even now ive come out in another eruption (its been 2 weeks now) and ive never had them before. Sleep deprivation wrecked my body and my mind and my soul.

I pretended I was ‘ok’. I pretended I was ‘fine’, but inside I was dying, fading, wasting away. I existed, I cried when I saw mummy and babys at lucnch time. I ran back to work and sobbed in the toilets. My boobs hurt, I had to stop expressing due to lack of facilities at work and I hated that, my only link with my babba. My brain was fuzzy and unresponsive. I was (and still am!) fat. No desire to exercise or look after myself. The panic attacks started, I was paralysed with fear all the fight had gone.

And that’s where I am at now. 15 months later… 5 weeks ago I finally admitted it and asked for help. Id tried everything I could think of but to no avail. I was at rock bottom and I knew it. So now I am on meds and it was horrific for the first 7 days or so but it settled down. But now I can feel the touch of the black dog snapping at my heels again, trying to pull me down toward him. I feel tired and fuzzy headed, dead beat and exhausted, lethargic and worthless. Back to the doc I MUST go… when will this journey end  ??